How Developmental Level Impacts Bereavement
Children and teens express their grief in ways that are different...from adults.
Some may experience sadness and talk about the death of a loved one
in the way that most adults verbalize their sadness.
But, others may express their feelings through complaints of physical discomfort
such as stomachaches or headaches.
Or, they may express anxiety or distress about other challenges they are facing
such as academics or sports.
Some may appear to not feel the loss at all because their behavior has not changed
and they are not talking about the sadness with anyone.
Many well-intentioned adults in the child's life are puzzled
that the grief response the child has to the death
appears different than the bereavement of an adult.
(read blog entry: 'Grief and Bereavement and Mourning' to more fully understand the differences in terms used )
In order to most effectively assist children and teens through their bereavement journey ,
it is important to have awareness of how they view death differently
depending on their developmental level.
Understanding how children and teens view death--
A child's or teen's response to death of a significant other varies by age
and often changes as a child develops emotionally and socially.
Other factors that influence bereavement may include:
personality,
how close the child was to the person who died,
birth order,
gender,
previous experiences with death,
and support (or lack of support) from family members.
Keep in mind that children do not move abruptly
from one stage of development to the next,
and features from each stage may overlap.
Infants (birth to 2 years)
Have no understanding of death and its permanence
Are aware of separation and will grieve that separation from the significant other
May react to the absence of the person who died with
increased crying,
decreased responsiveness,
and changes in eating or sleeping
May keep looking or asking for the person and wait for them to return
Are most affected by the sadness of surviving parent(s) and caregivers and family members
Preschool-age children (3 to 6 years)
Are curious about death
Believe death is temporary or reversible
May see death as something like sleeping—the person is dead but only in a limited way
and may continue to breathe or eat after death
Often feel guilty and believe that they are responsible for the death of a loved one,
believing that perhaps because they were "bad" or wished the person would "go away"
May think that they can make the person who died come back if they are good enough
Will worry about who will take care of them and about being left behind
Very affected by the sadness of surviving family members
Cannot put their feelings into words and instead react to loss through behaviors
such as irritability, aggression, physical symptoms,
difficulty sleeping, or regression (such as bed-wetting or thumb-sucking)
School-age children (6 to 12 years)
Understand that death is final
May think of death as a person or a spirit, like a ghost, angel, or a skeleton
By age 10, understand that death happens to everyone and cannot be avoided
Are often interested in the specific details of death and what happens to the body after death
May experience a range of emotions including
guilt, anger, shame, anxiety, sadness, and worry about their own death and loved ones
Struggle to talk about their feelings, and their feelings may come out through behaviors
such as school avoidance, poor performance in school,
aggression, physical symptoms, withdrawal from friends, and/or regression
Worry about who will take care of them
Will likely experience feelings of insecurity, clinginess, and abandonment
May worry that they are to blame for the death
Teenagers (13 to 18 years)
Have an adult understanding of the concept of death but...
do not have the experiences, coping skills, or behavior of an adult
May act out in anger at family members
or show impulsive or reckless behaviors
such as substance use, fighting in school, and/or sexual promiscuity
May experience a wide range of emotions but not know how to handle them
or not feel comfortable talking about them
May question their faith or their understanding of the world
May not be receptive to support from adult family members
because of their need to be independent and separate from parents
May cope by spending more time with friends or by withdrawing from the family to be alone
Developmental level affects how someone grieves.
Being aware of and respecting these differences will aid parents and caregivers of grieving children and teens.
References:
http://www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss/helping-grieving-children-and-teenagers
Spalding, E., "Addressing Grief in Children and Adolescents," Office of Professional Development School of Social Work, University of Texas at Austin, 2015